The Allure of the Badboy 526

I do not believe one word! Most women know fully well what they are doing. When all else fails, they play the victim card!

Is this another one of those "it's not her fault she goes for an obvious bad news guy" kind of threads?

If someone chooses to act out due to repressed whatever that is still under their control. At some point they turned common sense off to pursue whatever their urges were telling them to do. This is not a case of them thinking the guy was alright and finding out otherwise later, this is a case of them purposely choosing what they KNOW is bad for them, and rationalizing it after the fact.

Hindsight being 20/20, some will learn after having had some bad experiences, others will get caught up in an emotional/sexual addiction. Unfortunately they don't seem to have rehab for that, which means it's better not to start the bad habbit in the first place.

Theres always drama and excitement rolled into one with a "Bad Boy" I believe you will intuitively know when this type of relationship is not right for you. Its the payoffs, keeping you there in the first instance, its the magnetism and intense emotions that you feel in a relationship with a "Bad Boy".Its only when the negative traits tally higher than the good, then you realise its time to walk away..... Bad Boys can be Good Boys too, but not very often. Next time you see one heading in your direction............... RUN............ .

If you knowingly play the game and walk the tightrope then you must assume all risks that come along with falling off.

Certainly agree with Ali that we are totally responsible for our own actions. What we learn from these past experiences and consequences with bad boys gives us a clearer understanding of what we dont want in future relationships. Its all a learning curve and paves the way to a more fulfilling relationship with the right guy.

If you deal with something and it burns you, and after that you stay away from it, that is the same kind of learning that lower animals are capable of so I would expect people in general to at least be capable of staying away from the flame that burns.

If you know something is bad/wrong ahead of time and you still gravitate towards that until it burns you, then you learn the hard way that bad/wrong things can hurt you. However if you knew it was bad, then you knew better ahead of time, so a bad end for dealing with known bad people or things is actually very predictable and reproducible.

The fact that people keep on touching the flame that they already know will burn them either means stupidity, recklessness, self destructiveness, or that the person doesn't care about their well being, or a mix of these things.

Yeah. Ouch. I know. But it is what it is. "Good girls" know better than to mess with "bad boys" because they have been taught better by their parents and elders, and also they have seen what happens to "bad girls" who regularly mess with "bad boys" and the reputations these girls get for doing that, as well as the consequences they experience. So why else would you aspire to do what will get you in some hot water?

Because you have bad intentions.

Raised to be good, but would rather be bad. There it is, it is literally that simple. No need to make it sound more noble or innocent than it is. It's funny how all these articles pop up trying to make this phenomenon sound perfectly natural. It's not. At it's base, it is wanton pursuit of urges without restraint or care for the consequences, or worse, willful disobedience of social mores and values because they like doing what should not be done.

I wonder if it has something to do with women wanting to go back in time and get revenge on the bad boy who hurt them the first time. Keep dating the jerks hoping they will change and she will be validated and feel better from the first jerk. Somehow thinking she finally got it right. It's almost like the person who was molested becoming the molester later in life. Just a horiable circle of misery that never ends unless the person figures out why. (Kind of a harsh comparison I know)

1) Revenge by proxy isn't cool.

2) If those guys ever change it won't be because of some woman who wanted them to change.

It really is all just a game, and once you figure out how the game works, you can stop complaining about it and work it to your advantage.

"Nice guys", stop complaining that you finish last. Of course you finish last, because when a woman wants to settle down she will choose to be with you.

Women, stop complaining about bad boys. Deep down we all know that when we want some fun and excitement, we go for the bad boy. The problem is, being women we fool ourselves into thinking that we can have a long-term relationship with these bad boys. Don't you know you can't turn a bad boy into a husband? That's where we get our feelings hurt. If we just go into the relationship with these bad boys with the mind set that they aren't long-term relationship material and we're just with them for the fun of it, then we'll be better off. When the time comes that we're ready to settle down, leave the bad boy behind (do they really fit into your world anyway, it's called slumming) and find yourself a nice guy to spend the rest of your life with.

Sound bad? Men do it to us all the time. Men know there are two types of women: the ones you play with and the ones you commit to. The real man will stick with the ones that you play with and leave the ones you commit to until they're ready to settle down. A bad boy will play games with the ones you commit to (if they're allowed to) and then drop them once they get bored. A bad boy sees women as all the same and treats them all like shit. Example? A bad boy will see a woman who is beautiful, intelligent and has it all together and purposely knock her down a peg (or two). Women are led by their emotions which is why it works. Once we realize it's all a game, we can turn it around and use it to our advantage. Just like the men do.

It sounds like you're suggesting that people should be using people for whatever purpose they serve. Am I missunderstanding your words?

And if you are going to justify your actions by "men do it too" maybe you should consider what kind of man you are patterning your behavior after.

One can certainly look at it that way, Ali, but is it really using a person if they each get something out of it? I believe that bad boys know they aren't good relationship material. They make every effort to keep women at a distance. With that being the case, is it wrong for a woman to "use" a bad boy for fun and excitement and a nice guy for a long lasting, committed relationship? Look at it this way. If I needed my taxes done, would I see a grocer or would I see an accountant? An accountant, right? I would be using the accountant because of what I get out of him/her. And is that wrong? No, because that's what they are there for.

As far as justifying my actions, I don't need to justify anything. It's really a simple matter of how the world works - how the game is played. Once the game is understood, then I can be a better player. If I want to be with a bad boy for fun and excitement, then that's between me and him now isn't it? And if I want to be with a nice guy for a committed relationship, then that's between me and him, too, isn't it? Just because the facts sound atrocious doesn't mean that they aren't true.

So unfortunately again it seems you are trying to justify using people. It would be one thing if there was a mutual agreement and understanding for both to do this but in a lot of cases at least one person didn't sign on to be used and was in fact led to believe that the other person is with them because they like them or have some kind of affections for them or even loves them. That's what I have a problem with.

Again, if you want to regard users as your measuring stick and gold standard for how you should conduct yourself then obviously these are the terms you will tend to deal with people under.

Some people form relationships because they enjoy the company of the other person, or are attracted to them, or things like that. Others form relationships because the other has something they need/want, and if not for that thing, they wouldn't give a rat's ass about the person. Once they get what they want, things tend to change pretty profoundly don't they? Is this the kind of relationship you'd like to have? Once they get what they want they're GHOST? Or you leave after they have served their purpose? Doesn't this kind of set people up for a fail? If they will leave once they've had their fill or once they find someone who is better at doing what you do for them, where does that leave you? Your example about the taxes and other stuff doesn't really apply here because those are business relationships without a pretense of anything deeper like love or emotions and even then there is an agreed upon Terms of Service which must be adhered to under penalty of law. When we are talking about things in the context of romantic relationships but somebody is lying about their feelings just so they can get (insert benefit here), there's something wrong with that picture. It's a fraudulent situation. Since you want to do the business comparison, how would you like if your accountant fraudulently misreprepresented his or her credentials i.e. their license was expired or they were not legally quallifed to be doing your taxes but they passed themselves off as totally legit? How would you feel in the aftermath, especially if you ended up getting audited because they screwed up your numbers?

If you're not dealing with honest people, sure there will be lots of problems like this. And there are people who basically agree to use each other. As long as they're both ok with the arrangement I guess they don't have anything to feel tricked about. But like I said most relationships are proceeding under the understanding (or guise) that this person likes/loves that person and vice versa. And so the users aren't necessarally forthcoming about the fact that they are using their partner for whatever ends.

As much as pop culture disappoints me most of the time, every so often, something good comes out of it. One of the things that I like because it makes one think, is a question that was raised in the movie _The General's Daughter_: What is worse than rape?

Their answer was: betrayal.

When someone is raped by a stranger, it's an extremely traumatic experience. It isn't just a theft of sex, but a theft of boundaries, of a sense of body ownership, and many other things...but if it is some screwed up stranger, one usually has a much easier time recovering than they do when they're raped by someone they know and trust. There is something different going on with acquaintance rape than there is with stranger rape, psychologically...and that is the betrayal. That can shatter a person who otherwise might have survived a stranger rape with similar success as someone who was mugged and shot or stabbed.

To someone who was raped by an acquaintance, everything that happened between them and that person up to that point becomes unreal. They no longer trust their own feelings anymore. Loving someone becomes a potentially physically dangerous thing to do.

In this day and age, with more awareness of STD's, not to mention more crazy follks and drama to be dealt with, deceitful pursuit of sex or associated benefits takes on a similar psychological threat to rape. It is also potentially physically dangerous as well. Sexually and romantically deceitful people also have a similar mentality to rapists. They feel their victims were asking for it, and they have done nothing wrong by exploiting them.

Personally, I try to avoid sexually deceitful and exploitive people because even during the act itself, it feels more like a rape than sex. I've had situations of jumping out of bed as soon as they're done, throwing their clothes at them, and waiting by the door. Every time that's happened, they've asked the weirdest question...am I angry with them. I just tell them "no, but I know I'm not going to hear from you again, or until the next time you're horny and have no other options. Would you like some coffee? No? Okay bye."

I don't play a player. I just shut them down before any real damage gets done...most of the time. The times I haven't been able to anticipate what was going to happen, have been when the person wasn't just deceiving me, but themselves as well.

So where me and certain other posters here may disagree from time to time, I understand alot of their negative attitude to "The Game". Their rational mind might tell them that they're no worse for the wear, but their emotional side is feeling like they've been violated...and since this brand of violation is legal, and in some cases people get rewarded for fooling their partners, they have every right to be afraid.

The only way I got past my crap was by confronting it for what it really is. It came to me during meditation awhile back in my late teens, and helped me form a kind of policy for surviving the sexual "jungle". Someone deceiving me to gain access to my body is a violation. I have a right to be angry and disgusted about it. My being a decent person doesn't give someone else the right to harm me...and it would make it alot harder for me to remain a decent person if I truly believed that I deserved to be mistreated simply because I was vulnerable.

Because I confronted these things for what they are, I stopped being afraid to be vulnerable...and when someone harms me, I put myself out of their reach to do it again...and I don't mince words with them about what they did or what that makes them.

When people don't realize what a monstrous thing was done to them, it's hard for them to resist becoming monsters themselves.

...and I suspect that my beliefs about these things are partly why most people think I'm alot younger than I am. I'm told that even though I'm down to earth and blunt, I have an innocence about me. I suppose that if someone never becomes cynical enough to believe their being crapped on was a good thing, they won't become hostile enough to do the same to someone else. Acceptance doesn't mean complaicance.

So know your enemy...know it in its most raw form, and though you have to tone down the rhetoric when talking to the average person about it, don't sugar coat it with yourself. In your mind, a violation is a violation. Someone misusing you sexually is very not okay. Your being lucky to have survived the experience does not change the intention of the person who tried to or stole from you. Just because they didn't beat you half to death first doesn't mean they didn't otherwise try to soften you up for the tootsie pop.

Being aware makes exploitive people alot easier to avoid, or at least get rid of once you figure out what they are...and it also makes it easier to heal yourself afterwards. You know what emotions you have to deal with on the face, and not lurking in the background where they might come up later and mess up something good you have going with someone worthy.

They do it because it's fun and temporary. Smart women know that on the way in and don't take those clowns too serious.