Should you date a person much older than you? 47

By Pierre Coda

I am often asked several questions about dating and/or romance among people with a big age difference. Some of the related questions are about its ethical dimensions, quality of intimacy, and social perceptions. Now I do not have any statistics on a macro level but in my client base, what I find is that it is mostly young women dating older men (What happens when a mature woman dates a young man?). 

    In macho societies, this phenomenon is often associated with exploitation of women by men. Here in America, though, we tend to believe that young and/or naive women are attracted to money and power of men. Maybe the answers are not all that simple, particularly now with a large number of divorced women in their 40s and 50s in the society, younger men are starting to date them. In fact, it is far more acceptable now than it was only a few years ago to see older women with younger men treating them like they would treat a peer.  Valerie Gibson, the popular columnist, in her book, Cougar: A Guide for Older Women Dating Younger Men, strongly recommends simply for the thrill of it - doing what women are not supposed to be doing.  In fact online dating websites allow you to screen the ads by age so that you can target people in a certain age bracket. 

My research shows that a lot of women are simply looking for someone in their life who can provide a sense of security and stability. Now mind you, not all these women come from broken or dysfunctional families, as you might guess, but what I have seen is that they might have had unstable lives. They could have grown up with a single-mother or have had multiple relationships that did not work out, leaving them hurt and confused and seeking more stability in their lives. An older man, with experience and wealth fits that description. Or what we call a "sugar daddy" takes over a young woman's life.  (Related article:  Women attracted to older men)

Many women who oppose the idea altogether or have been in such relationships advise other women not to pursue such relationships. They suggest that if you are dating someone who is more than five years older than you, then you really need to think hard about the reasons for the attraction. If there is no strong mental connection, then you should not think of the relationship growing into a long-term bond. Michael Webb, the best selling author of the book 1000 Questions for Couples suggests that we need to ask as many questions we can before entering into a relationship and definitely prior to making a commitment.  A lot of women think that the major reason for this phenomenon is that women are inherently more romantic than men and when they come across an experienced man who can virtually 'sweep them off their feet' (money helps to create those kinds of romantic experiences), they start believing that this man can give them what their peers can not. Several of my female clients indicated that when they feel comfortable with a man, it doesn't matter how old he is. One of such women is Lindsay from Kansas.  She is engaged to a man 17 years her senior.  "I think that age has nothing to do with determining if a relationship will be successful, it is a combination of a variety of factors.  In the end you need to determine if this is someone who listens to your ideas, shares commonalities and differences, and respects and loves you for all of those things.  A relationship is a daily job that we all need to nurture and respect.  That is what I have found with my fiancé, and is what I believe relationships should be about," she tells me.  (Related article:  Midlife crisis)

The men, on the other hand, tell me that younger women have lesser baggage and do not have too many hang-ups, making the relationship smoother. Dozens of men in their 40s and 50s tell me that women in their age bracket are just too cynical and see everything through the lenses of the past. They carry a lot of bitterness generated from their past experiences and this is reflected in their attitudes. Don Steele, the author of How to Date Young Women: For Men over 35 estimates that there are as many as 13 million young women in the United States and at least half a million of them are being courted by men twice their age.  (Related:  Right age for dating someone younger)

In my opinion, we need not pick our partners based on their age but we need to be careful about certain fundamental attributes that make a relationship work and be an enriching experience for both partners. The things that I look for in a relationship are: common values, goals in life, convergence on outcome from the relationship itself, and if it is both intellectually and emotionally pleasing to be around the other person. Yes, there will be occasions when you will run into a person who scores very high on all of these attributes but just happens to have a big age difference with you. I would say, "Go for it!" But if you are attracted to an older man or woman because of the sense of stability and security, you need to keep looking till you find it in someone else.

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