Obsessive Love, Is it impossible to let go despite the pain? 1056

Is it impossible to let go – despite the pain?

Susan Forward, PH.D.

Do you yearn for someone who is not physically or emotionally available to you?

Do you believe that if you love him enough he will have to love you?

When you feel insecure, does it drive you to only want him more?

Do you find yourself phoning repeatedly or waiting long hours for the phone to ring or email to arrive?

The Myth of Ultimate Passion

Popular culture has long cultivated a romantic fascination for obsessive love. In the miniseries "Napoleon and Josephine" there is a wonderfully erotic scene during which Aramnd Assante (Napoleon) expresses the power of his love for Jacqueline Bisset (Josephine) by telling her, "you are my obsession." A popular perfume uses the same line in its TV ads to promote a shortcut passion and romance for its users. In his best-selling book "Presumed Innocent" (and the subsequent movie), the main character still longs for the hot sexuality of his obsessive love affair, even after his lover’s death. Even such movies as "Play Misty For Me", Star 80, and Fatal Attraction, which presents a black and psychotic portrait of obsessive love still manage to paint obsession as a state of unsurpassable passion.

Compared to obsession, all other love seems humdrum and mundane. Obsessive love appears to be a sultry, seductive world of heightened emotionally and transcendent sexuality. Movies, television, advertisement, popular songs—they all collide to persuade us that love is not real unless it is all consuming and there is chemistry. Even when obsessive love goes sour, no matter how much fictionalized lovers may suffer, the underlying message is that it was still the most intense experience they –or we—will ever know. These lovers seem to have found some source of emotional fuel to keep the fire of passion burning long past the point at which most real relationships cool down.

Note: Rejection is the trigger of obsessive love.

What Exactly is Obsessive Love?

1.They must have a powerful, all consuming preoccupation with a real or wished for lovers.

2. They must have an insatiable longing either to posses or to be possessed by the target of their obsession.

3. Their target must have rejected them or be unavailable in some way, either physically or emotional.

4. Their target’s unavailability or rejection must drive them to behave in self-defeating ways.

Are You An obsessive Lover?

1. Do you constantly yearn for someone who is not physically or emotionally to you?
2. Do you live for the day when this person will be available to you.
3. Do you believe that if you want this person enough he or she will have to love you?
4. Do you believe that if you want this person hard enough (or in the right way) he or she will have to accept you?
5. When you are rejected, does it drive you only to want this person more?
6. If you are repeatedly rejected does your excitement about this person turn into brooding or rage?
7. Do you feel like a victim because this person won’t give you what you want?
8. Is your preoccupation with this person so intense that it affects you sleeping or heating habits or your ability to work?
9. Do you believe that this person is the only one who can make your life worthwhile?
10. Do you find yourself calling this person incessantly, often at odd hours, or waiting long hours for him or her to call you?
11. Do you show up unannounced at this person’s home or office?
12. Do you checkup on where this person is supposed to be and whom she is with? Have you ever secretly followed this person?
13. Have you ever crossed the line to vandalism or even violence against yourself?

If you answered "yes" to three or more of these of these questions, you are an obsessive lover and should seek professional help.