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Men Who Hate Women (12,715)
Susan Forward PH.D.
I’ve been very emphatic in my judgment of the misogynist (women hater). I’ve called his behavior insensitive, abusive, unacceptable, and cruel. All this is true—but now it’s time to make his portrait more complete. Once we begin to examine the forces that drive the woman hater, we find that much of his abusive behavior is a cover-up for his tremendous anxiety about women. He is caught in the conflict between his need for the woman’s love and his deep-seated fear of her.
This man needs, as we all do, to feel safe. As adults we fulfill these yearnings through physical intimacy, emotional sharing and parenting. But the woman hater finds these yearnings terribly frightening. His normal needs to be close to a woman are mixed with fears that she can annihilate him emotionally. He harbors a hidden belief that if he loves a woman, she will then have the power to hurt him, to engulf him and to abandon him. Once he has invested her with these awesome and mythical powers, she becomes a fearful figure for him.
In an effort to assuage these fears, the woman hater set out, usually unconsciously, to make the woman in his life less powerful. He operates from the secret belief that he can strip her of self-confidence, she will be as dependent on him as he is on her. By making her work so that she cannot leave him, he calms some of his own fears of being abandoned.
All these intense, conflicting emotions make the woman haters partner not only an object of love and passion but, the focal point of his rage, his panic, his fears and inevitably hatred.
I realize that my use of the word hatred in this context of an intimate relationship is both explosive and controversial. It is a word most people don’t like to use. But it is the only word that sufficiently describes the combination of hostility, aggression, contempt and cruelty the woman hater exhibits in his behavior toward his partner.
When we examine the childhood experiences that give rise to the woman haters underlying fears, we begin to understand why he behaves the way he does. The ways in which his parents related to each other and to him provides us with important insights into how he became a woman hater.
We now know the woman hater is driven by the fear of women.
The Important Balance Between Mother and Father
While both parents work together to raise their son, they also have separate jobs. Mother to nurture and the boy’s primary source of comfort, while Father helps him pull away from mother so that he does not become overly dependent on her. However, in the family background of woman haters, just the opposite occurs. The father is either too frightened or too passive to pull the boy from the mother, so the boy has no other option than to make mother the center of his universe.
Both parents set up this situation. Mothers, instead of meeting her son’s needs for comfort and nurturing is liable to try to get her son to meet her needs. Women in troubled marriages frequently try to work out their problems through their children. Whether a woman does this through the extremes of overwhelming demands, sever rejection, or smothering control, the results are the same. The boy becomes dependent on her.
"You'll Only Be Safe If You Are Like Father"
Without realizing it, in adult life he transfers this dependency, as well as conflicts and fears that go with it, onto the woman in his life. The woman hater saw his mother as having the power to frustrate him, to withhold love from him, to smother him, to make him feel weak, or to make insatiable demands on him—and he now views his partner as having these same powers.
The father who doesn’t provide his son with any alternative to his mother’s influence leaves the boy alone with his fears and his panicky feelings of vulnerability and neediness. As a consequence of our divorce society most boys are raised nowadays by only the mother.
When Father Is A Woman Hater
When Nicki came into counseling to try to save her marriage to Ed, I told her that we could move quickly and effectively if Ed was willing to participate in the therapy. Ed was very resistant; he views the need for therapy as a sign of weakness. However, his fear of losing Nicki eventually won out. What emerged in the course of Ed's therapy was that he had been reenacting with Nicki the same kind of relationship his military-officer father had had with his mother.
Ed's mother was a timid Southern girl from a working-class family. She'd met Ed's father when he was stationed at an army base near her home. They were married after a brief courtship, and from the beginning Ed's father was extremely possessive and overbearing with his wife. He had very set ideas about women and men's roles. As Ed remembered it, his father favorite line was, "Somebody has to be in charge and that somebody is me.
"You'll Only Be Safe If You Are Like Father
Amazing Susan, really informative and nicely written. I have written a few
things about this certain topic and will be posting them soon to my blog.
But must say you have covered a very good topic that needs lots of
attention as misogynists are popping up everywhere sadly due to a bad
upbringing or one that lacks complete attention by those that bring the kid
to the world.
This is exactly what I was married too for 6 years. His Mother passed away
1 year before I met him. After we were married I found out that mother
watched his kids everyday (even though she was sick and couldn't) but not
wanting to disappoint her only son. She paid his bills, balanced his check
book, and if he was short any money she put it in his bank. He would be
out at the garage with his buddies after work until 4-5 am. She would make
them all a 7 course meal when he got home from work, and then get up and
make them all breakfast before he went to bed. All he could ever talk about
to me was how wonderful his mother was. He wanted to get married to me 2
weeks after we met, and STUPID me thought it was because he loved me so
much....he wanted a replacement for his mother. My job as to cook for him,
clean up after him, pay the bills, balance the check book, and take care of
his unruly, no discipline children. Everything was my fault, he would come
home from work for no reason and start screaming at me, cursing at me,
throwing things at me, called me names, verbally. emotional, mental abused
me all the time. I had to beg him to tell me he loved me, to kiss me, or
even hold my hand..... We (he) divorced in Feb 2008 after I would not agree
to give him half the money on him buying a jet ski, (another toy) mom would
of but I wouldn't. He began telling all his family and our friends that he
was going to divorce me at the end of summer, and kick me out of HIS house
and I was not taking anything. The only person he forgot to tell was me.
He would stay out all the time with his friends in his decesed mothers
garage and leave him home by myself all the time. He would do anything for
his friends, fix their cars, work on their breaks, but if I asked for
anything he would say, "you'll just have to drive it like that." Nothing
for me! He blamed me for my own existance, and anything else that went
wrong. He would never go to counseling b/c he said he didn't have a
problem. When I finally had enough and I moved out, he blamed me for being
too old - even though he had been caught several times lying to me,
cheating, betraying me. He kissed the ground his mother walked, but he did
NOTHING for his wife. 2 days after our divorce he moved another woman into
our house.
what a one-sided viewpoint, but not really surprising knowing it comes from
a disguised feminist and oprah therapist. you know, women torture also
men, there methods are only more refined and of psychology nature, but you
will hear no women admitting this, and in particular not a Dr. Feminist.
maybe i also should from now on post as alexei kirillov, PhD to give more
weight to my opinions.. so weak to hide behind a title.
Alexei, actually some of us do admit it, and take women to task for it
regularly. We just often get shouted down because personal responsibility
is unpopular these days.
mamasan, fair is fair. i am not talking about individuals. i also have some
feminist friends that acknowledge (although rare) that women can torture
men psychologically. the point i tried to make was, you never see this on
television or radio or any other talk program where women the whole time
complain what is wrong with men and demanding we treat them as spoiled
princess', just because they are women!
This is such an amusing one way article, Shocking that a women wrote a one
way article..Shocking I tell you!!
It is amusing women who hate men are not viewed this way it reminds me of
the classic responses when a man cheats he is a jerk and a dog yet when a
women cheats " Well she must not have been getting wwhat she needed from
the relationship" You know womens built in BS to make it acceptable for
them to do whatever the hell they want with ZERO accountabillity. I cheer
ALL domestic Abusers THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh please. There are those who say, when a man cheats, it is biology, men
are meant to "spread their seed around"(you know, it's not their own fault,
it is nature), but when a woman cheats it is because she is a "needy,
clingy and self-centered". So irresponsibility runs both ways.
I lived in exactly the situation described above. When I was a kid, my
mother swore she would leave my dead, and as a kid I remember dreaming how
she and I and my younger brother would leave the house and live a happy
life. It never happened. My dad kept beating us, my mom kept being his
slave, and they would fight all the time. I was very lonely and helpless.
To say that I had feelings of guilt and failure would be an understatement.
I was emotionally abused, and I am far from healing my scars. But I made
huge progress, and I want to thank people like Susan Forward, who post
material that help abused kids to better understand what happened in those
early years.
I've read here and there, some new information and perspectives of
something called the sociopathic continuum. Outside of a clinical situation
though, sociopathy, malignant narcissism, and other causes for a callous
flavor of abuse, present similarly to someone who isn't privy to the
motives of the offender.
Thanks Mamasan.
I would like to add that when I was very young, my brother and I used to
fight a lot, and we caused each other terrible damage, physically and
emotionally. I often wondered if I was to blame for what I did to him, in
the same way that I am blaming my parents for what they did to me. After
all, they were abused too, and they did their best with the knowledge and
wisdom they had at the time.
Misoginy is unaceptable, as it's more of a device to shame and drive mwn to
abandon their role as a loving, caring protector of the fairer sex.
Misoginy, as well as misandry, is just dumb. Wish pplz would just drop it-
drop the pain, drop the shame. Hatred of the opposite sex is just wrong,
and borderline demonic in nature and it's unnatural.
wow susan. how terribly insightful.
Instead of running from his hatred of women, this sort of man needs to
embrace it.
i stumbled on this via a book order placed on amazon. it could be written
about my ex. i am still being harassed but finding information like this is
a big help. thank you.
Generalisations masked, or at least presented as fact. V. dangerous.
I consider myself to be a misogynist and recognize, though in truth I'm not
sure what the strict definition is exactly. What do we really mean when we
say "hate".
I personally, truly believe that contrary to all that we are asked to
accept (by the media and seemingly the wider consensus of opinion), that it
is not "a man's world".
On the contrary, we males are nothing more than (sperm) donors here to
satisfy a basic fundamental, biological (and unconscious) need to
procreate.
A staunch believer in the "Selfish gene" theory as espoused by
writers such as Richard Dawkins, I believe that when we break things down
to the n'th degree, it is really quite that simple.
I do not "hate" women for the sake of hating.
Rather, I despise the fact that every woman I have ever met, exists to do
no more than seek out a male counterpart to be responsible for the
offspring that they crave (knowingly or otherwise).
Perhaps that too is a generalisation, but often times, things are just
exactly as they seem.
There was a point in time when I thought that all I ever wanted was to
"settle down and have kids" etc, etc.
Now, if I am honest, the fact that I am getting older and need
companionship (and ultimately "stroking" in the psychological sense of the
word) aside, I would rather anything BUT to become that poor, sad figure I
see so often traipsing behind their female partners in the local
supermarket.
The words "despair" and "abject" come to mind when I see these
poor males who have bought into that whole, ridiculous monogamous
relationship ideal.
I just had an argument with my natural dad and realized he was always mean
to me and never a real father. Luckily, I had my step-dad who encouraged me
and always had something nice to say to me.
WOMEN ARE MEAN,HEARTLESS,NON SOULED ASS HOLE'S.YOU WOMEN LOOK AT LOOK'S AND
THE WAY A MAN IS DRESSED.FROM THAT YOU THINK THAT YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MAN IS
ALL ABOUT,WELL YOUR WRONG LITTLE GIRL'S.WHEN YOU DO THAT YOUR JUST HURTING
A MAN OR MEN.ALSO THIS MEAN'S YOUR LEAVEING A MAN OR MEN FROM BEING A PART
OF YOUR LIFE.HAVE YOU WOMEN NOT HEARD OF HAVEING A MAN OR MEN AS
FRIEND'S.IM NOT THAT GOOD LOOKING AND SO MANY WOMEN DON'T EVEN WANT TO TALK
TO ME,DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT HURT'S ME AND OTHER MEN.DO YOU KNOW WHAT
YOUR DOING TO AN ANGRY OR HURT MAN OR MEN,BECAUSE YOUR PASSING US
UP.BECAUSE YOU DO THAT YOU WOMAN COULD BE POTENTIALLY SETTING MEN OR A MAN
TO WANT TO START TO HURT WOMEN WITH VIOLENCE.WE HAVE FELLING'S TO AND SO
MANY MEN AND OR A MAN WANT TO FELL GOOD ABOUT ARE SELF'S.BUT WHEN YOU JUST
TOTALY IGNORE US WE AS MEN AND FOR MY SELF FELL LIKE A PART OF US HAS JUST
DYED INSIDE.YOU WOMEN HAVE TO MUCH POWER OVER US AND ARE FELLING'S AND THAT
HAS TO STOP LADY'S,OR VIOLENCE TOWARD'S WOMEN WELL ONLY INCREASE IN TIME.SO
OPEN UP WOMEN OPEN UP YOUR HEART'S IF YOU HAVE ONE AND PLEASE LET US HURT
LONELY MEN IN TO YOUR LIVES,WE NEED LOVE TOO,AND WE WOULD LOVE TO FEEL
WANTED,NEEDED AND LOVED.
"WOMEN ARE MEAN, HEARTLESS,NON SOULED ASS HOLE'S.YOU WOMEN LOOK AT LOOK'S
AND THE WAY A MAN IS DRESSED.FROM THAT YOU THINK THAT YOU KNOW WHAT THAT
MAN IS ALL ABOUT..."
Susan, women like you belong in prison for your crimes against males. You
are the reason women should never have been given the vote
Lets stop the blame game. My mother shook me as an infant Then when I
needed her intimacy she withheld. My father verbaly and phsycaly at times
abused me as well. He was raised by an alcoholic woman who abused him. I
use to blame them both and myself for treating my wife the way my father
treated me. I had years of abandonment dreams and a shamanic ability to go
deeply into my unconcious and bring up these things. I realized the root of
the problem.
In my experienced and educated opinion it is the Cultural OS, Society,
tradition and sterotypical role models that created the problem in the
first place.
While this article is good in its descriptions. It should be noted that
this is actually an issue called borderlilne personality disorder and its
more complicated than this article would lead the reader to believe.
This is all well and good... but daughters grow up in such circumstances
too. They may not get enough love and suppport from their mothers, etc etc.
They may have passive fathers who get pushed around by mothers. Yet, you
rarely hear of women brutally abusing, at least not to the extend of men.
You also dont see an enture porn industry of hard core images dedicated to
the degradation, pain induction, shaming, and brutalizing of the opposite
sex. Are you maybe just giving crap guys who decide to go with a model an
excuse for having way too much pride?
you wanna know the truth: women create women haters and most of the
problems they have in a relationship. Why? let me ask you one thing: why
does my cousin constantly get accused of cheating by his girlfriend when he
has never been outside the house, stays with his girl most the time, but
her on the other hand wakes up next to a guy after a 'crazy' weekend and he
never does the same to her? Why does my mom accuse my dad of cheating when
she's the one who gets phone calls from some guy named Jose who hangs up
when I pick up the phone? Why does my mom disguise the name as Josefina
when it is clearly a male? Why do women always say the man should be the
provider then contradict themselves when he chooses to move somewhere or
buy things, or say that they want equality in a relationship when they put
all the responsibilities on the man? Why do women constantly run from all
responsibility and then blame everything wrong with their life on a man?
Look if you want equality, then stop setting double standards. STOP FUCKING
CONTRADICTING YOURSELVES. Otherwise you will be alone your whole life,
otherwise your man will just look for someone who doesn't bullshit. I can't
stand feminists whose arguments are 100 percent nonsensical garbage. Most
these women that spit this random garbage are from suburban middle class
homes who got all the attention while the real women were not from the
stereotypical homes. All you "feminists" are the cause of many of the
problems we have in America, and frankly should be deported to Cuba and
murdered.
The only conclusion one may draw from this lumpy soup of disingenuity,
circular reasoning and compound fallacy and hypocrisy is that your, "PHD" ,
such as you describe it, was accrued from alphabetti spaghetti.
Wow! Look at all the hate-filled defensive responses that help no one.
This article must have struck a nerve. It's hard to look at the cold hard
truth about one's self. Everyone, male or female, can be a cruel and
damaging person. Why spread more hate? Isn't that what caused the problem
in the first place? Abusing others is a sign of personal weakness not
superiority. There's alot of good people in this world, try being one of
them. I have been on both ends and believe me, when I look in the mirror I
would much rather see a person of integrity that treats others with
dignity, than a abuser. STOP THE CYCLE!!!
I just got done wasting almost 2 years of my life on a misogynist and it is
still not over even though we are broken up. He got married for the 4th
time not even 4 months after we split. While we were together he was a
bottomless pit of neediness, verbally and emotionally abusive, threatened
to be physically abusive, lied, and cheated me out of personal belongings I
had the folly to leave at his home in storage. I am now in litigation to
get reimbursed for my stuff, some of which is irreplaceable (pictures,
family items, etc.). He has the classic pattern: seduce with wining/dining,
charm, good sense of humor, great sex. Once he hooks you in, he is a
jealous control freak who will alienate you from your friends, take
advantage financially, cheat, lie, and have anger blowups over trivial
things. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. Finally, a chance to get
out came up and I took it. Thank God I don't have kids with this man. Wife
#2 has two kids with him, one of whom has cerebral palsy. She can never
have closure, he has taken her to court over custody issues more than 15
times, gone through 6 attorneys. He has major issues with anger and rage,
which manifest in conflicts with family members, co-workers, and friends
especially over money (he is a shyster and will take financial advantage of
anyone who will let him). I pressed charges against him for phone
harrassment and he got off on a technicality. He has a disorderly conduct
charge against him for stopping on the highway and getting out of his car
and threatening another driver who was tailgating him (I suspect it was a
girlfriend he was cheating on me with). He has 3 failed marriages (first
wife left him after he beat her, second after she caught him cheating when
she was pregnant, and third after he physically abused her during an
argument over his son's gerbil) and an even bigger number of failed
relationships, numerous speeding tickets, can't manage money, lives beyond
his means and expects women to help pay for his extravagant lifestyle and
considers himself "old school" and wants women to be servants and to keep
their mouth shut and let him make all the decisions. "Roll with me" he
would say.
Sorry you went through all that Zors. A number of American men seem to
have a dangerous mixture of entitlement, short tempers and violent
outbursts. Be glad to be rid of him and move on to a man who will
appreciate you and not be so abusive.
It is all well and good to read books and seek the help of therapists if
you are a bit messed up. However, if you do not make a conscious decision
to change the way you act (and indeed the way you feel) then no amount of
therapy or book reading is going to help. If people basically KNOW the
difference between what actions are good and lead to positive experiences,
and what actions are bad and will lead to negative experiences, then
hopefully they will choose the actions that lead to positive experiences
and it will not be necessary for a therapist or psychologist to tell them
so. It is not necessary to waste money if you already know you must change
your behaviour and are WILLING to change your behaviour.
All of what has been stated here is quite true and valid. There are many
comments that have provoked a tremendous amount of thought with me but
bottom line here is this: Anyone, male or female, who decides to abuse
their significant other is someone who has made a decision to be selfish.
That type of person is unable to deal with the realities of adult life and
as such, is someone who is quite dangerous to the emotional well being of
others. Coupled to this is the fact that most of these people have
children who in turn behave in a similar fashion. End result is
generational dysfunction. I guess the trick here is to be able to spot the
personality type quickly and not become entangled in it, when possible. My
heart goes out to all of you who have been damaged by these horrible
people. Personally having dealt with and learned from a very difficult
situation, I can safely say that the hurt many have endured is difficult
and long lasting at best. All of the nonsense perpetuated today about
"independent" people, "liberated" women and "macho" men is just that -
nonsense. At the bottom of all of this is a humanity that is so damaged
that they, as a whole, have lost their humanity. Personally, I am very
grateful that I have emerged with my own humanity intact, if nothing else.
I wish you all well in your recovery.
