Alone is just LONELY 51

i also am lonely.i am married to a woman who does not love or want me.i adore my 8 yo son and because of him can never leave.i am not the type to cheat and never have. recently i met a woman who is in an unhappy marrige also. she moved my soul with the warmth of her spirit, and smile.she has awaken feelings that i had thought were long dead.i now proceed through life with a deep sadness, and the realization that from this day forward i will never be ok again

I to am also lonely. Married to a man that I have two young children with. I have no choice but to stay because I do not make enough to move out. I also stay for the children because they love him. He is a good father but a lousy husband. I hate my life and find it hard to even enjoy my children because I am so unhappy. I am not sure what to do. I have tried to convince myself to give it another chance and just pretend that I am in love so that I can be happy again. But the man is repulsive! Everything about him gives me the ibeegeebies. I recently ran into a man the I once dated in high school more than ten years ago and I am infatuated with him. I long for him. I have even called out his name in mysleep and my husband asked me about him the next day. I lied of course but I live lonely with my thoughts of a more perfect relationship with meaning and feelings and intimacy.

Well, you type well, and can operate a computer, so you can get a job, even working at home, and make a living. So you can afford to leave if you like. You might not have the same standard of living that you do now, but I'd consider that a small price to pay for my freedom, if I were truly miserable.

Besides...You're probably not the only one in the relationship who's miserable. Maybe he only stays with you because he's afraid you'd annihilate him financially, and take his kids away. If you agree not to do that, and put it in writing, he might let you go and help you to get started. Most decent guys would do that for an honorable woman.

Faye what is it about your husband that makes him so repulsive in your eyes?

mamasan,is it not a bad idea to expect some one else to complete us?

i told my new girlfriend that im perfectly happy by my self and that she is just a bonus or a plus in my life ,and she fliped out what do you make of that? when she told me that she wants security to me it translates into financial security at my expensse,what is your take?

Ask her to specifiy what kind of security she means. Because that could mean everything from emotional to financial...details are important here.

Ali and Rod -

I think she wants a financial safety net, and believes that Rod will serve in that role. But, I could be wrong.

Ok so if she wants a financial safety net, what would Rod be getting out of the deal? And don't say sex because they both would get sex out of it. It cancels out...lol.

Rod, that's a tough question actually, because love is one of those things that's rational in the big picture, but completely irrational on a personal level. It's both the pleasure and pain of it.

So...in a logical sense, it is a bad idea to expect someone to complete us. Love shouldn't be dependent on whether or not a person fills voids (other than intimate companionship) or compliments one's lifestyle. It's the practical side of mateship that brings those things into play, so someone doing these things may endear them to you more after you already love them, but they shouldn't be the basis of the love.

The love should be all about wanting to bond with a person. If someone is your best friend, they are your best friend because you just love the hell out of them, not because they do things for you. You do things for them and they do things for you because you love each other. Mates work just about the same. The minimum sentiment a mate should have for you is that of a best friend. The practical aspects of expressing that love are just different, and lead to deeper psychological experiences...generally. I'm sure you've seen best friends who are as intimate as mates.

Relationships take time to grow though, so it is a good thing to give someone the benefit of the doubt to a point. When someone's making a bid to be your mate (and you're making a bid to be theirs), you should be happy with yourself, but even happier when you're with them because you get to express a side of yourself that you don't get to express with anyone except mates.

...but too many people watch too many movies, and alot of the feelings expressed are okay if you look at them in a simplistic sort of way, but kinda unhealthy if played out in real life. The chaos factor is that alot of this dysfunctional stuff actually works well, despite its being unhealthy. It's just that the unhealthy obsessiveness shouldn't be *required*.

It may be odd for a polyamorous person to say this, but I do eventually become unhealthily obsessed with my long term partners. I prize them above everyone else on earth, and would give up anything that wasn't crucial to my children's wellbeing, to be with them. I would live and die for them.

When things went platonic with my last ex, I literally felt like my life was over, and it was time to die...but the thing is, that's just how it *felt*. It's supposed to feel that way. It's just not supposed to be that way. Knowing the difference is what allowed me to be 110% during the relationship, but still survive when it changed.

You may want to ask your girlfriend specifically what kind of security she's looking for, if it's not obvious. I have a feeling though, that what she's saying is that she wants to know that you're in it 110%, despite the fact that you wouldn't actually die without her. She wants to know that you're mad about her because if you love her, you're supposed to be...deep down, your inner caveman should be doing some kind of stick waving mating dance. I like to call it a part of "advanced primal monkey panic".

The question is though, whether or not the relationship is really at that point. Some folks think that's how things are supposed to be from the beginning. From the beginning, there should be some feeling that this person might fit you, and the initial primal monkey panic of not wanting to lose her attention before you get to find out, but it takes the time it takes for the attraction and infatuation to become valid in more than theory.

You know, "bonus" kind of comes off like "trophy".

I have been engaged for the last year. I completely love the person I am with, nothing could possibly be wrong in my eyes. We have been through so much that I can not even describe it, we have gone through more things together than anyone I have ever heard. My fiance is perfect. I could not be more in love. My Significant other ended it today because she is no longer happy. I had no idea. Why is it that two people can be so close, yet one can never know what the other is thinking?

Brando, I'd need more details to help you with the answer to that. If I was to guess based on this brief summary though, I'd say that maybe she felt closer to you during the crises, than she did once things were calm.

It's probably not as base as a "love of convenience", but it might just have been that she didn't have time during the problems to think about whether or not she wanted you as a friend or as a mate. Sometimes sexual friendships get confused with romantic bonds.

Mamasan, I would gladly let you know what happened in full, yet I do not feel comfortable posting the story in full on this page, how can I add you as a friend and send you a message?

Its been four days. She still wont return my calls. Somebody help me.

Brando -

There's your answer. Her silence is deafening. I'm sorry to say this: her actions show that she's not interested in the relationship anymore.

Brando for your fiance to be acting like that, and to offer little to no explanation just means that there were things going on out of your eyesight and earshot that she won't tell. If she won't even return your calls, she's not likely to care about how you feel, it's all about her in her mind. IMO you should begin the process of letting her go so you don't feel the need to communicate with her. Needing her to talk about it will be your achillies heel, she won't be ready to talk when you need to talk, she could put you on hold for weeks or longer. Don't count on her to be there for you. You have to do the cleanup thing on your end, get yourself together, learn what you can from the relationship, make the changes you need to and move on. It hurts and it's easier said than done but the only person you can rely on to do what is necessary is yourself now.

I agree with Ali. The fact that she's not talking to you makes the rest kind of irrelevent. It's time to let her go because even if she comes back at some point, you now know that the person who would be returning is someone who enjoys torturing you.

You want to spend your life with someone who will drop a bomb like that and then forget you?

If you're a loving person, you deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them, and also who respects you. You don't need this crap.

If you don't cut the cord it will be used to yo-yo you thru some more BS that I'm sure will be unneccessary. She's already declared her intentions (to leave), and IMO kowtowing to what she wants at this point would only dig you deeper into a hole where you are at an unfair disadvantage. I'm not saying there isn't anything you could have done but at this point, I think it's neither here nor there...her feelings have changed and for her to shut you out like this means don't leave the light on for her to come back.

• I think you do deserve some closure but don't let your emotions cloud your judgement and don't let your well being hang on whether she picks up the phone. Despite what's going on with her side of the fence, you have to take steps to make sure you are going to be ok. I understand your pain, it sucks to make plans to live the rest of your life with somebody just to have them harbor some side agenda and bail on you all of a sudden but this could simply be a function of the kind of person she is. If she feels that you are responsible for her not being happy she could at least tell you why but I think that the way she did this probably suggests more of an internal struggle within her than anything else.